Dear Mumma.

Dear Mumma,

I was cleaning out my stuff again, getting rid of stuff I don't need. A box of stuff fell, and out came a few things that were yours. When I say yours, I'm referring to a first picture you coloured in for your grandfather and early school reports. I don't know why I keep these things.. Well, I do.. But it's hard to accept that, they're the only things that give me that kind of feeling. The one that cuddles from you could only give. The feeling that I'd get when you'd say "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" and I would say "Or any strangers", you'd reply "That's right" and smile and kiss me. I guess maybe somewhere in my mind, I think if I hold them tight enough, maybe you will appear. But you don't.

I hear people talk about a "better place", an after-life. Spirits and all of that kind of stuff. I can't help but believe in it less and less as time goes by. I can't comprehend, that if there are spirits, why you haven't came to me. I still can't comprehend being in this world without you. It still baffles me every day, that you are not here. That I can't see you, or hear you, or touch you. And it feels like there could never be enough photos in the world, to make me feel close enough to you.

I found some of your antiques for my wedding, to use as decoration and then it makes me think of the fact that you aren't going to be there and my heart breaks a million times and I can feel tears, before I even know that I'm crying.

Sometimes I feel like I have reached the stage, where I've accepted that you're gone.. And others days, even though it's been so long, it still feels like the first day when I sat and wept so insanely that I couldn't breathe. My heart is happy, but a part of it still weeps for you every day.

I love you my beautiful, kind, generous, funny, amazing mumma. I love you.

Love Jayme.

Day 2 - Codeine Detox.

Day 2 of my codeine detox is going good. I have had a 3 day headache, that I have been easing with 2 panadol. Today I had 2 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. This is a significant drop from what I had been taking - and that was a much heavier ibuprofen and codeine mix. I'm feeling okay though. I know it'll feel worse, before it feels better. But I'm positive about the changes!!

I am 14 days away from being 2 months soft drink free. The pains and withdrawal symptoms from that are long gone. It was a major test working in a shop full of soft drink. I think I overcame it well. I'm actually really proud of myself.

Migraines

My Nanna goes to a group called the "The Granny Group", it's a group of grandparents who have been left with the responsibility of raising their grandchildren. A lady who goes there, didn't attend two weeks ago, as she had a terrible migraine. She went to the Dr and he said, he thought it was because she had been taking too many painkillers. The painkillers make the body feel good, so in turn, the body has started craving the painkillers, and creating ailments for the painkillers to cure. Kind of like an addiction.

This is where it becomes about me..

I think this is what my body does. I think I am addicted to pain killers. So from this day forward. I am stopping my addiction to pain killers. I spoke to Clinton about it this morning, about what I thought was going on & he said it sounds reasonable that I am being tricked by my body into thinking I'm sick (Or my mind..), to get my "fix" of painkillers. So he's going to help me wean off painkillers. First by dropping back from Nurofen, to panamax, which doesn't contain codeine, just contains paracetemol. He has also taken the painkillers and is putting them somewhere and rationing them out to me, if I feel unwell, to slowly wean down, then cut them out from day to day life.

I am feeling pretty positive about this change. Typically, this morning I woke up with a busting headache. I took my last 2 nurofen & Clinton gave me 4 panamax, which I haven't touched yet.

Here's to positive changes.

Wedding Dress & Cake Decorating.

This is the wedding dress I have settled on. I think it's vintage inspired, whimsical - very much my style. I absolutely adore it! This is definitely something that feels right within me. You know how you get that feeling and you're like "ahhh, I'm home".. This dress is IT!

I have made a payment plan in my head, for paying off the venue, then onto the photography, while putting away bits of money for everything else. Have saved $100 so far from coins and $5 notes, for the girls preparation before our wedding. Clint has been putting away money for the wedding cars. We've officially paid off all our big January/Feb bills, so now we're just catching up on the little weekly ones - and finishing paying off the shops elec bill, which isn't much now, then we just haveta focus on putting pretty much EVERYTHING extra we get on the credit card, while paying the normal bills, atm as long as we pay our house loan & personal loan, we're fine, everything else can wait (Wedding wise & other stuff like that I mean.)



This is my red fondant that I brought for making Declan's 8th birthday cake on Friday! Very exciting, hope he llikes it, it's a beyblade arena cake

 The beyblades to go inside the arena. Cool toys like this with cakes, are really fun, because they double as a decoration and an extra birthday present. We used new ones, of course - For hygeine reasons!

And my talented partner has flung out the good ol' favourite, the hot cross bun this week!:

My suggestion for eating these amazing buns, is to put them under the grill, so the insides are nice and crusty, smother them in butter (or cream cheese) and go for your life! Mmmm! We sell these in the shop for $1.50 each, or a 6 pack for $8.00! They're so good!

Broken Forever.

Sometimes, I think I have lost all feeling inside - Feeling about my self. It's strange to me. I have an amazing life. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends. We have achieved quite a bit in our young lives, to put us in the position we are in now, we're quite rich when it comes to "assets" and we're happy, I love my life with Clinton. I think he's perfect, and there's no other place I'd wanna be, other than here with him..

Then there's me. I cannot fathom, how anyone could look at me and love me. I think it's such a shame, that I am still the same me. I feel sorry for Clinton that he has to put up with me on a daily basis. I feel like I'm the one who brings the team down, and people let me know it too, I'm the gold digger. Or I'm "hardly working", while Clinton slaves away. I'm too impatient. I argue too much. I get everything wrong. I just do not like myself. If I wasn't me, if I was someone else, I wouldn't want to me know.

I hate feeling this way. Some days, I think that my mind is changing and it doesn't believe these things it tells itself anymore, that I'm starting to get better, like actually better.. Not just a quick fix. Then other days, I feel like I am going to be broken forever.. I just have to keep swimming and hope that I'll always have Clinton, right beside me, to lead me back to the shallows, where it's safe, together.

I love him more than life itself.

Looking To The Future.

Next year, I've decided.. I am starting a retail management course via correspondence, to aid me in my future career moves. Hopefully by the end of next year - beginning of the year after, our business will be on good enough grounds for me to fly the coup and start working on my own career. I want to start of managing a retail fashion store and then work my way up to regional manager and keep working my way up. I know I have the skills now, to be able to do it, having the management course under my belt, will just help  it along a lot quicker.

I go through the employment websites, looking at all the opportunities passing me by. I cannot wait to start my own career in what I really want to be doing. But at the same time, I love doing this, because it helps the love of my life.

I cannot wait until we're married and all of this stuff just falls into place and life is better and great. Us and  our 2 beautiful babies, a family.. =)

A Dream In a Dream...

My subconscious hates me so bad. No word of a lie... I just woke up from a dream in a dream and someone was on top of me in my bed, trying to tie me up. As if I wasn't enough of an anxious freak enough, in regards to being here alone with my babies at night.

I hate how my brain works.