I am a self-confessed "Stress head". I'm pretty pessimistic generally and have an overall bleak outlook on life. One of my steps toward "self improvement" involves trying to look at life from a more positive perspective and try to take the joy out of life. I attribute my pessimism and my cynicism to my depression/anxiety, that I have been "suffering" from since I was about 13. I have only just recently become medicated full-time for these things, so I'm slowly getting better. I have days when I can't function properly, and I think the world is going to cave in around me, but those days are becoming further and further between them! Which is good. I find now, that I believe people when they say, if they don't take their anti-D for a day, that they can infact "crash and burn", I never believed this before, I was always under the belief, that it would have to take several days for the lack of medication to have an effect. But I really do notice the difference, even after one day.. It's odd, I don't want to rely on medication, but at the moment, it feels like I HAVE to rely on medication.. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about, I've gone off on a big tangent.
I developed a rash on my back/hip yesterday, after feeling pain there since the day before, I thought I must have a bruise developing, but of course it came out in a lumpy, red rash that kind of resembles a whole heap of blisters. I have been experiencing aches and pains and this morning I woke up with a horrible sore throat! I haven't been able to book a Dr appointment, so I went up to the trusty AMAZING ladies at the Forresters Beach Pharmacy, and asked them what they thought it might be, just to get some insight - and to see if there was anything I could take/put on it to relieve the pain I am feeling. When the pharmacist saw my rash she took a step away from me, as if I was diseased, which did make me giggle a bit, and she told me that she thinks I should go to the Dr ASAP as she thinks it is Shingles, she said she can say it with 95% certainty, from just the appearance & location of the rash and the other symptoms I described to her! Gah! That's ALL I need to have Shingles. Joy (The assistant at the chemist - Who is pretty much the loveliest lady I have EVER met - She brings me clothes every few months for Kaylee Jayde, that her daughters little girl has grown out of! So so nice of them!!!) asked me if I had been stressed lately. I don't know if I have been, how sad is that? I can hardly differentiate between a normal mood for myself and a stressed mood!
I feel like my mind has to be constantly switched on: Banking, BAS, Babies, Clinton, Shopping, Work, Washing, Folding, Cooking, Cleaning, Oh no the back patio is flooded, Oh no the VH hasn't sold, Pruning the Gum Tree, Flour Order hasn't come, BANK took too much money out/didn't put enough in...
The list could go on forever.. I am not complaining, I love our life and I love the hustle and bustle and the fast-paced dynamic of our lives. But sometimes I wish I could just sit down and eat my sandwich, without being asked for something mid-way through. I wish JAYME could come home after work and just sit on the lounge and say "OMG ME THIRSTY" and look at Clinton (I'm not kidding, he actually did this to me last night while I was eating dinner, and TRULY was wanting me to get up and get him a drink -- This is similar to the night before, when I got scolded by him, because I wouldn't get up mid dinner to go get him his seconds!)
I guess that is life, isn't it? So maybe I am stressed, I don't know if I am any more stressed than usual. I don't know why they'd decide to pop up now, instead of last week, or last month. Pesky shingles!
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My mum says the same thing about the anti depressants, when Brent was on them she was adamant that he wouldnt see any results because he literally forgot every second day. You shouldnt feel bad or negative or telly ourself you are "dependent on the drugs" you are a responsible, mature person who is UTILISING a resource that is avaliable to them. Why bother walking around day after day feeling like shit (when you LOVE your life) and you shouldnt have to. Theres just no sense in it. Yes, there are natural ways to "slightly" ease the symptoms but your life really does not allow enough time to focus on those strategies and ultimately, they arent a guarantee and arent effective for everyone and really arent things your interested in (yoga, meditation, relentless exercise, breathing techniques, FULL on healthy eating etc).
ReplyDeleteYou shouldnt doubt yourself so much, youve made a smart, responsible decision. Its a decision many many people are too afraid to make and those are the people that live with the intense sadness and negativity everyday, when they dont have to. Youve done whats right for you and YOUR family.
I know this probrably isnt what you want to hear, (what im about to say) but as your best mate I feel obligated to say that: "Yes" its good to live a fast paced busy life BUT at what cost to yourself? Your stress levels (because of ALL those things on your mind) are eating away your immune system and therefore creating physical hurdles for you. It might be worth considering employing someone one day a week so that you can either dedicate THAT day to being at home processing office work (bass, flour orders, etc) OR relaxing, going for a walk with the kids etc.
Its good to feel accomplished, to accept as much income as you can generate at the time, and to stay ontop of it all, but you shouldnt tell yourself there is no other way for you and you shouldnt just accept the stabs at your health that this life is having. You gotta look after YOU woman! It might be worth it to forfeit that $100 a week for some extra peace of mind and time to yourself or to enjoy the kids and have a bit of relaxation.
I know you are working hard, for your future, and you feel like you HAVE to be all or nothing right now because you want this business to be everything it can be but you need to remember YOU. Im sure if you take some time and think about some new ways to organise things you might be able to find some strategies more suited to YOU, your time restraints, your interests and your family. You should be enjoying your spare time, not feeling stressed about everything thats waiting for you when your done :(
I only say this because I put down "uni" for a while now and I feel .... I feel like a human again. Its insane. I noticed your status the other day where you commented saying stuff about being a stay at home mum and how you felt about it at that moment, then I noticed you deleted it. You shouldnt feel bad for feeling that way, we all feel that way at times. And you know what, the ONLY reason you find the stay at home mum/entertaining kids thing so hard is because its never just "that" with you. Think about it.... Even when you have a week off to be a stay at home mum your professional responsibilities done absolve. They are there waiting for you, shop rents need to be paid, food ordered etc. So dont be so FRICKIN hard on yourself. If you had nothing else (like most stay at home mums) going on in your life (in terms of work, business owning etc) you would feel SO differently about it not that your rearranging your emotional processes with the anti d's. But you dont have that perfect little situation, you have what you have and you shouldnt feel bad about it, you should find out how to give yourself a break and make it all work for YOU guys! I love you.