Dear Mumma.

Dear Mumma,

I was cleaning out my stuff again, getting rid of stuff I don't need. A box of stuff fell, and out came a few things that were yours. When I say yours, I'm referring to a first picture you coloured in for your grandfather and early school reports. I don't know why I keep these things.. Well, I do.. But it's hard to accept that, they're the only things that give me that kind of feeling. The one that cuddles from you could only give. The feeling that I'd get when you'd say "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" and I would say "Or any strangers", you'd reply "That's right" and smile and kiss me. I guess maybe somewhere in my mind, I think if I hold them tight enough, maybe you will appear. But you don't.

I hear people talk about a "better place", an after-life. Spirits and all of that kind of stuff. I can't help but believe in it less and less as time goes by. I can't comprehend, that if there are spirits, why you haven't came to me. I still can't comprehend being in this world without you. It still baffles me every day, that you are not here. That I can't see you, or hear you, or touch you. And it feels like there could never be enough photos in the world, to make me feel close enough to you.

I found some of your antiques for my wedding, to use as decoration and then it makes me think of the fact that you aren't going to be there and my heart breaks a million times and I can feel tears, before I even know that I'm crying.

Sometimes I feel like I have reached the stage, where I've accepted that you're gone.. And others days, even though it's been so long, it still feels like the first day when I sat and wept so insanely that I couldn't breathe. My heart is happy, but a part of it still weeps for you every day.

I love you my beautiful, kind, generous, funny, amazing mumma. I love you.

Love Jayme.